Axis of A

Imagine a picture of Alaska. Arkansas looks much the same, except for the glaciers and jagged 14,000′ peaks. It’s a lovely picture, and if you click on it, you can see a larger version. It’s worth it. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

When the gracious Fox asked if I would write a guest column, I was thrilled to the icy core of my Alaskan heart. Actually, in Alaska, our hearts don’t beat, just ooze enough anti-freeze to oxygenate our brains.

She asked what my topic would be. I searched my mind, and figured it out – the Axis of A. Arkansas, Alaska, heck, these states were made to be blogged about together. So, I did a quick list: how are these states the same? I’ve actually visited Arkansas once, and so consider myself an expert on everything Arkansan. That made it easy to compile this list:

  • Bill Clinton has rarely visited either state.
  • Arkansas has the biggest retailer and Alaska has the biggest oil reserves. We send gas so you can buy cheap things at Wal-mart.
  • Besides r, n, and l, their names share the same letters.
  • Both states are unlivable most of the year due to extreme temperatures.
  • Each of us has mosquitos bigger than Bono’s ego.
  • Each state has more guns than people (California has those pesky electoral votes, but their national guard trains with slingshots).
  • Arkansas is a beautiful state that was a cheap purchase from Imperialist France.
  • Alaska is a beautiful state that was a cheap purchase from Imperialist Russia.
  • Californians have heard of neither state.
  • Both states are far too close to Texas.

So, given all these similarities, I wondered what other massive over-generalizations I could make. The answer was obvious: the people!

Arkansas is known for Rednecks. Alaska has Icenecks. The big difference between the two is in the amount of NASCAR viewed. Arkansas has much NASCAR, Alaska has little NASCAR. Instead, we have dog sleds. I think you can see how nicely this meshes in – what’s a Red/Iceneck without his faithful hound? In Arkansas, you put the dog in the back of the pickup and drive him to one of the hundreds of millions of Wal-Marts. In Alaska, you get in the dog sled and let the dog drive you to the Wal-Mart. I think my overly-broad generalization is complete.

One last thing I think both states could agree on: Alabama has got to go. It comes ahead of Alaska alphabetically, and that’s just not right. I think those folks from Arkansas wouldn’t miss the Crimson Tide, either. Let’s give Alabama to Cuba, or lease it to the Chinese.